Week 15 Pigskin Pick 'Em/Eliminator previewBy AJ Mass Second verse, same as the first. Week 14 was a carbon copy of Week 13, as we matched our sad 6-10 against the spread but also correctly predicted 12 of the 16 outright winners. In an effort to ensure that we improve our lot and avoid singing the same old song next week, we've decided to investigate the deeper meaning of some of the lyrics that have come down the pike over the years. After all, for every instance of simple words of wisdom from the Beatles, there's also the grandiose babblings of a group like Toto, which once attempted to squeeze the words "Kilimanjaro" and "Serengeti" into a single sentence, and then threw in "Olympus" for good measure. Well, I know that I must do what's right, so thanks to Spinner.com, here's a look at some of the worst lyrics of all time, alongside the complete Week 15 rundown:
Tale of the Tape Thursday, Dec. 11 New Orleans at Chicago (-2½) "Coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago." (Sade): Forgetting for a second the fact that Chicago is not on an ocean coast, it still is a fairly long trip to get from LA (that's Louisiana in this instance) to the Windy City in time for a Thursday tilt. We're not sure the Saints will be able to pull this one out. Prediction: Bears by 2 Sunday, Dec. 14 Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-2½) "I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel." (Natalie Imbruglia): Really? I thought this was how you sounded or smelled. Nevertheless, we're torn as well in this divisional matchup. After watching the Panthers destroy Tampa Bay, can they really rebound? I guess we still have a little faith left. This is how we feel. Prediction: Bucs by 1 Washington at Cincinnati (+6½) "Like a rock, chargin' from the gate." (Bob Seger): Last time we checked, rocks don't really charge so much as they kind of sit there looking heavy. Which is a good thing for Washington, since the Bengals have defenders who kind of just stand around, meandering toward the opposition as they sprint into the end zone. Prediction: Redskins by 10 "Time is like a clock in my heart." (Culture Club): It's that time of year again, when the Colts hear that alarm and suddenly start playing up to expectations. It certainly doesn't hurt that the Lions are the opponent this week. After all, to the Lions, losing is like a game they don't win. See, Boy George, you're not the only one who can use lame metaphors. Prediction: Colts by 21 San Diego at Kansas City (+5½) "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." (50 Cent): Yes, LaDainian Tomlinson has never done much of anything in the fantasy playoffs, and yet, we can't help but to start him and expect him to do well. Should he finally put a decent late-season performance together, it would be sweet, delicious icing. Prediction: Chargers by 11 Green Bay at Jacksonville (+1½) "I don't think that I've got the stomach to stomach calling you today." (Saves the Day): Leave it to a bunch of emo kids to sum up Jacksonville's season. Really, I don't have the stomach to watch this team continue its downward spiral. No Matt Jones and likely no Fred Taylor, and most definitely no chance I'm picking them to win. Prediction: Packers by 4 Tennessee at Houston (+3½) "Only time will tell if we stand the test of time." (Van Halen): Similarly, it remains to be seen whether the Titans are truly the class of the AFC, but there's no reason to suspect the train will get derailed this week. I highly doubt we'll see Matt Schaub putting up 400 yards Sunday. Prediction: Titans by 11 Seattle at St. Louis (+3½) "There were plants and birds and rocks and things." (America): Just as this band's lyricist got tired of listing what he saw, so, too, do football fans get tired of naming Seahawks receivers. There was Branch, and Engram, and that guy, and him, and the other guy with the knee and that fellow with the other thing. Still, they're better than the Rams. Prediction: Seahawks by 7 San Francisco at Miami (-6½) "If I was a sculptor, but then again, no." (Elton John): Then why bring it up in the first place, Elton? The Dolphins have gone from laughingstock to potential division champion, and I bring that up because after this week, it is still going to be true. Prediction: Dolphins by 6 Buffalo at Jets (-7½) "I don't like cities but I like New York. Other places make me feel like a dork." (Madonna): "Dork" isn't exactly the first word that springs to mind when thinking about Madonna. We'll cut her some slack, however, since the Jets don't actually play their home games in the Big Apple. Of course, the Bills just came from a "home game" in Canada, so who are they to talk? We'll go with Favre & Co. Prediction: Jets by 7 Minnesota at Arizona (-3½) "But if this ever-changing world in which we live in " (Paul McCartney): Paul's fashioned some nifty lyrics in his day, but this superfluous preposition seems an awful lot like filler to me. Speaking of fillers, Tarvaris Jackson will likely be filling in for Gus Frerotte, and we just don't think this is the kind of change in which we can believe in. Prediction: Cardinals by 4 Denver at Carolina (-7½) "I wish it was Sunday. That's my fun day. My I-don't-have-to-run day." (The Bangles): Although it was actually Prince who wrote this stretch of a rhyme, he had the good sense to ship it off to Suzanna Hoffs and friends. The Panthers don't have to run Sunday to win, but with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, you know they will. Repeatedly. And then again for good measure. Prediction: Panthers by 9 Pittsburgh at Baltimore (-1½) "I drew a line. I drew a line for you. Oh, what a thing to do -- and it was all yellow." (Coldplay): With two fierce defenses, we're going to see both teams struggling to get 10 yards and a first down, meaning a lot of extra screen time for that yellow line. In the end, it will come down to who wants it more, and we think that's going to be the Ravens. Prediction: Ravens by 4 New England at Oakland (+7½) "Your butt is mine." (Michael Jackson): What a delightful way to start a love song, isn't it? Still, the battle between Randy Moss and Nnamdi Asomugha may be worth paying attention to, but it's going to be Wes Welker who will end up making 10 to 12 catches and leading the Patriots to victory over a "bad" team. Prediction: Patriots by 9 Giants at Dallas (-2½) "War is stupid, and people are stupid." (Culture Club): What, too lazy even for a silly simile, Boy George? The Giants come off an awful performance against the Eagles and should be free of any further distractions from the, shall we say, stupid shooting incident of last week. We expect them to bounce back. Prediction: Giants by 6 Monday, Dec. 15 Cleveland at Philadelphia (-14½) "Relentless lust of rotting flesh to thrash the tomb she lies. Heathen whore of Satan's wrath, I spit at your demise." (Slayer): While the vultures circle overhead waiting for the axe to fall on Romeo Crennel, it appears that the insults and invectives that were being hurled at Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb are no longer forthcoming. Apparently, reports of Philadelphia's demise were greatly exaggerated. Prediction: Eagles by 13
Eliminator
The ESPN Eliminator requires that you make one and only one pick each week. You win and you live to pick again. You lose and it's all over. In Week 14, only the Packers, and their generosity toward Matt Schaub in allowing him to top 400 yards of passing, kept us from perfection. Luckily, that Green Bay pick was at DEFCON 1, our lowest confidence level, so we still accumulated 14 out of 15 possible points for the week. Our overall rating now stands at a solid 80 percent for the season. For Week 15, the pickings are a tad more slim, but as Simon LeBon once lamented, "Don't say you're easy on me. You're about as easy as a nuclear war." In other words, we'll quit our bellyaching and get with the selecting. The fear is that eventually the Lions are going to put things together and avoid a winless season. However, we just can't see it happening when they don't even know who their quarterback is going to be. Daunte Culpepper just got hurt. Dan Orlovsky is trying to make it back from being hurt. Drew Stanton and Drew Henson are possible options. Heck, is Eric Hipple on speed dial? Maybe we'll steer clear next week against New Orleans, but not against the Colts. Here's the full listing of our top picks for this week's Eliminator, in order of our confidence:
DEFCON 5: Colts Good luck to all of you, and to paraphrase the lyrical genius of Shakira, it's lucky that my picks are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains. And that's the deal, my dear readers. AJ Mass is a fantasy football, baseball and college basketball analyst for ESPN.com. You can e-mail him here. |
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